Again

       “I don’t understand”, Travis said, head in hand, “Did I do something wrong”.
       Amanda sat down next to him, putting an arm on his back. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I just don’t think we want the same things.”
         “In what way?” Travis asked, his cheeks stained with tears
         “I always thought I would get married by now. It just doesn’t seem like a priority for you”, Amanda reasoned. “It is a priority for me though,”
        They sat together a little longer, but eventually Amanda got up and left.

          Travis sat alone in a basement. A strange console sat in front of him. Red lights blinked on and off. Travis stared at it with wonder, and with hatred. It was this machine that had taken his attention away from her, this machine was responsible for the heartbreak he felt, but it was a wonderous machine.
            He had tried to explain to her how important this console was, but she just wouldn’t listen. If only she knew, I was on the verge of the greatest scientific breakthrough of mankind, Travis thought.
       If only. With fresh tears staining his face, he left the basement, shutting off the lights, with a final thud. If only

       Break-ups really change your perspective of your house, and Travis was finding it out the hard way.
             The first thing that hits you is the silence, after sharing the space with another person for 2 yrs, you get used to the sound of someone else being there. You can turn on a TV, crank up the music, scream at the top of your lungs, but the silence remains. Reminding you of what you lost.
          The next thing that hits you, is the sheer enormity of your place of residence. Even the smallest apartment can feel enormous when you’re alone. You get used to walking around someone, bumping shoulder, even jumping over things to get around, but that’s no longer necessary. It’s just you, and you have all the space you need.
            The next thing you notice, is time. Time stretches on forever, and ever , and ever. Days are weeks long, and years are impossible to reach. It makes sense, you were splitting your time between two people, and now it’s all yours. And you’re desperate to fill that time with anything. Anything that will fill those empty moments. Anything that will help you forget the empty, enormous, eternal, silence, waiting for you.
            Travis sat at his workbench, Music loud in his earphones. He was usually a Frank Sinatra guy, but just for today, he was a metalhead. He tinkered with nuts and screws, played with dials and switches. He absentmindedly pulled levers, and when nothing happened he sighed. Travis trudged back up stairs, The blink red lights taunting him as he closed the door.
           Weeks passed before he saw any progress. He continued his tinkering, a soft melodic Frank Sinatra in the background, volume down so he could concentrate. Suddenly he sees one of the red lights turn green, before turning red again.
          Travis jumps, nervous and staring at the console. He reaches back for the dial he had been turning. Moving it slowly he watched as the light turned green again.
           One by one the red lights turned off. Leaving only a single green light in the center of the console. Travis yelped in excitement. He had accomplished the impossible. But he wasn’t done yet. He had to test it.
        Travis grabbed the machine and placed it on the floor. He didn’t know of any good ways to test this machine without using it himself, but he was sure it would work. Travis bent down, twisted a few dials, and flipped a switch.
           Reality contorted around him, as almost instantly he was standing on a cobbled road. Gas lamps dotted the road, and he watched as carriages passed through, drawn by horses. The streets were relatively empty but Travis had seen enough and he smiled a wide smile.

             He had done the impossible. He was the first time traveler.
            Flipping the switch back, he was instantly back in his basement. He cheered and screamed, and ran around. Climbing the staircase three at a time, swinging open the door to find… Nothing. For a brief second he had forgotten Amanda, He had forgotten everything. But now the silence weighed heavy.
            If only she had waited just a few more weeks. Better yet, if only she had never entered his life. This moment had been perfect without her memory tainting it. If only he didn’t have them. If only their relationship never happened. If only he-
         Travis stopped, and smiled again. This time wider than before.
         If only I had a time machine.

         Travis bought a whiteboard. He didn’t need one, but all the movies on time travel he had seen had one, so it just seemed appropriate. The plan was simple though.
He would go back to their first date, and he would ruin it.
            With a few calculations, on the brand new whiteboard of course, he set the time machine to March 1, 2021, and flipped the switch.
          

             The restaurant had a bar, and Travis was more than happy to help himself to a few drinks while he waited. Right now I’m probably getting ready to leave my apartment, Travis thought. “Then we’ll arrive and sit over at that table right there”.  He stared. The memories flooding back.
             It had taken him three days to ask her here, but he had wanted to on the first day they met. He picked her up from her apartment and they had shown up together, dressed nicely. Maybe it was a little formal for a first date, but they didn’t care. They had sat awkwardly for a few minutes. Neither one of them daring to break the silence first. That was until the menu came. It was here that he learned about her “aversion” to lobster. She absolutely hated lobster, and by the end of the night, she made sure that he knew it. Travis smiled, reminiscing.
            Until he remembered the knowledge was completely useless now. Amanda’s favorite color, her favorite food, favorite movie, or song, or show. It was all useless now.
         Travis checked his watch. He and Amanda should have shown up by now. He began to panic. By coming here, had he already changed the past so much, and if so what else had he changed. It was March 1st right? The day that they- Wait… March 1st wasn’t out first date. It’s the day we met. Travis facepalmed. He got the dates wrong.
           Although… maybe this was even better. If today was day one, he had two more days before he even asked Amanda out. This might work out after all. All he needed was a place to stay the night.

            Travis got in a cab, and headed for the hotel. The hotel looked familiar, and it was a minute before he remembered why. It was where he and Amanda had spent their first night together off campus.

             After they had been dating for a while, they realized that alone time was hard to find when you had roommates. Besides, always a scientist at heart, a trial run of cohabitating couldn’t hurt.
        More memories flooded in and he saw himself and Amanda checking into the hotel. She clung to his arm, as he checked them in.
         He remembered wondering what the receptionist thought of them. A young couple, giggling like children. Checking into a hotel. It was pretty obvious what the receptionist must be thinking, but he pushed through regardless. Amanda was by his side, giggling, as if they were getting away with something.
        It was so silly, so immature, and yet so lovely. It was perfect, and he wouldn’t change a thing. Not until tomorrow at least.

         Travis went to his room. He wasn’t at all surprised that the silence had followed him. He had distracted himself from it as long as he could, but in the hotel room he couldn’t run any longer.
        The bed was noticeably too big for one person. When he turned off the shower, the silence that followed was almost deafening, and when he laid down, the coldness of the sheets reminded him of Amanda’s warmth, something he’d just as soon forget
        One more day, Travis thought, but he didn’t smile. He couldn’t. The silence was just too heavy. Instead he turned over on his side and slept. A deep, dark, dreamless sleep.


         Travis had to buy a new whiteboard, and with this new board he made a new plan.
        Travis and Amanda had met in college. They sat right next to each other. The memories started flowing in again, and Travis saw himself sitting awkwardly next to this girl he had just met. He hadn’t even known her name yet. He remembered the lights were slightly dimmer in that moment, as he extended his hand.
           “My name is Travis, you don’t mind if I sit here do you?”.
           “I’m Amanda, and not at all”, Amanda had said with a smile.
           It was very smooth, direct, but not too forward. He was killing it, and knew it.
           With his newfound confidence, he kept the conversation going. He learned a lot about her that day. He couldn’t even remember what the lesson had been about. He only remembered her.  For Now.
           The plan was simple, he had to make himself leave the room. Easiest way to do this would be to pull the fire alarm. With a plan in place Travis left the hotel

          Getting onto campus was easy, but that was expected. He was technically a student there, and it was doubtful they had protocol to ward against time travelers, although it would be cool if they did.

            He arrived just in time to see himself walking into class. You’d think it would be weird seeing yourself in third person but to Travis’s surprise, it was just like watching any other person. Like watching a stranger
            Travis walked in behind the Young Travis, and sat in the back. He watched as Travis approached the girl sitting in the middle of the room.
            As the girl turned her head, Future Travis’s heart dropped. It was Amanda, and she was exactly as he remembered. She was perfect, a glow emanated from her skin. Her hair cascaded like silk curtains, and when she smiled, Travis had to look down at his feet.
         He hadn’t seen her in weeks, and seeing her now tore at his heart. Every memory came flooding back to him all at once. Every good time. Every bad time. The first kiss, the first fight. A new house, turned into an empty void.
        
          Travis heard papers rustling and looked up to see himself fumbling with a journal, as papers slipped from his grasp. He managed to not drop any, and he sat down awkwardly next to Amanda
          He quickly reached out a hand to her, before dropping the hand immediately to stop the papers from falling from his lap. Once he was situated, he extended the hand again, this time long enough to shake. With a shaky voice he said
          “Y- You don’t mind if I sit here do you. I can move”
         “No, it’s okay. You can sit. “, she reached out shook his hand. “My name is Amanda”.
         Young Travis smiled, before saying ” My name is Tra-”
        The papers fell again, and Travis scrambled to gather them. Amanda giggled.
        The giggle cut through the room, and from the back Travis smiled. The moment was so ridiculous. The laugh had stung, for sure, but all of it was just so comical he couldn’t help but laugh.
       
          Travis watched the moment unfold and It was magical. The two lovers were the only two in the room, besides everyone that was watching them, but they didn’t notice. They didn’t care.
          This was the start of something beautiful. The start of something perfect… Something that he was planning to take away from them. Travis looked down in shame. What had he been thinking?
          Who was he to stop something so beautiful? Why would he want to prevent the best years of his life? All because he was heartbroken. He knew he couldn’t do it. He had to leave.
          He held the console in his lap. He flipped the switch, and found himself once more in the empty, silence of his basement, but he smiled. The memories of his past no longer haunted him. They were beautiful, and he loved and cherished every one of them
        Even the new one, where he saw just how badly that interaction had actually gone. She must have really liked me, Travis thought, like a lot, especially after that trainwreck.
        Tomorrow Young Travis will ask her on a date, and inexplicably she’ll say yes. The date will be a little formal to be sure, but, as Travis now knew, he definitely wasn’t a dating expert. Then from that day on many more memories will be made, and Travis was ok with that.
          Then one day it will end, and Travis was ok with that too.  Music played quietly in the background. He must have left the radio on, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t help but listen to the lyrics of the song.

         “For when this never happens again,
We’ll have this moment forever
But never never again”

    As Doris Day continued to sing, Travis walked back up the stairs, console in hand, the flashing red lights guiding him once more into the silence, and he realized it wasn’t so quiet after all.

“We’ll have this moment forever
But never never again”